Untouched
You know the five love languages concept, right?
Mine is physical touch. When I love someone, I both like to touch my partner and like to be touched. I crave the feeling of my partners skin. I enjoy being big spoon, almost as much as I enjoy being little spoon, because I like to make my partner feel safe and secure. I love the feeling of his fingertips slowly running across my skin. Skin to skin contact is my favorite. And being kissed or kissing him for no reason as I walk through the room. Or rubbing my hand across his back while we’re sitting together. I crave touching and being touched.
The man that sleeps in bed next to me these days, his love language is gifts… and we’re broke.
Every single night, I lay in bed, me on my side with my blanket, him on the opposite side in another blanket, hoping… praying, he’ll put his arm around me or let me know he’s there and he loves me by scooting closer so I can just feel his presence. We aren’t allowed to use the same blanket because that makes him hot. In a previous relationship, my partner would leave on binges, often in the middle of the night without warning, so I need that reassurance at night that the person I’ve laid down with is remaining next to me. I never get it.
During the day as I go about my tasks- various appointments; the busy lifestyle that raising an infant calls for- I enjoy being pulled aside for a moment at the kitchen sink and getting a kiss. I can’t tell you the last time I was kissed. When I’m especially stressed, stopping for a moment and being hugged by the man I love is really something that can help bring me back to the moment. But today, today my body literally aches because it’s been so long since I’ve gotten one of those much needed, loving hugs from a partner that truly loves me.
We haven’t been together long and it definitely hasn’t been without its challenges. I ended it quickly in the beginning because we both began to catch feelings that I wasn’t prepared to feel or allow from someone else. During that short time before I ended things, I received all of the things I needed daily, including a healthy sex life. So I know he’s capable of it. It’s been about a month and a half since we’ve been back together. We’ve made love twice; before it was nearly every day. He says he has a wall built up from the first time that I ended it and he got his heart broken. And I’m positive I’m no longer in love with him at this point because of how much he’s pushed me away recently.
Some might say to communicate with him about these things. I have. A lot. He has a history of violence in previous relationships. It shines through when I tell him how unhappy I am. We are living at my family’s home right now. He refuses to leave when I tell him how unhappy I am and he knows that my family member won’t do it either. The emotional abuse and the threats come. When I tell him that I’m fearful of him he tells me I’m manipulating the situation and I have nothing to fear… yet. He blames me for his behavior. He minimizes my tears.
I’ve been through this before. I’ve dealt with abuse of every kind and I swore I’d never put myself in that situation again. But here I am, unhappy, stuck and unsure of what to do next. I hate that I gave this man the time of day in the beginning when I had the love of my life waiting for me elsewhere. That beautiful man that I had prayed for my entire life, I had him and would have him again… if I could just wait, just be faithful and fucking wait. Now here I am, in this hell and afraid the only way it’ll end is in an act of terrible violence.
